I started behaving erratically, staying up all night, shoplifting, and dating. Turns out what I was experiencing had a name.

• In 2019, I started behaving erratically, staying up all night, shoplifting, and dating multiple men.
• I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which explains my behavior.
• Finding the right medicine and channeling my emotions through music helped me get my life back.

This essay as told is based on a conversation with Charlotte Harrow. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

I have always been a musical person. In elementary school I started piano and voice lessons, and in middle school I began studying classical music and guitar. In my late teens I started writing my own music. Now I write and record indie pop songs. This practice has always been an important creative outlet for me, but it has become even more important during my mental health journey.

While I was studying business, I started behaving erratically. I would stay up all night for several sleepless nights, relying on my new energy and motivation by writing music all night. I have also been in car accidents, totaling two cars, luckily no one was injured. I started stealing from stores. I even dated three men at the same time without them knowing each other.

I thought my behavior was just part of “growing up.”

All this didn’t suit me at all, but I didn’t understand what was happening. At first, I thought it was all just part of “growing up,” so I didn’t view my questionable behavior as a problem. It was my family and friends who drew attention to the fact that I didn’t seem “normal.”

The symptoms lasted for almost four months and my family became very worried. At the time, I was living with my parents and younger sister, so they were seeing a lot of this unfold in real time. In January 2020, I was working at a school for children with special needs when my mother showed up and told the school I had a family emergency. We got in the car and she told me she was taking me to the hospital. I was surprisingly calm and agreed that getting treatment for my mental health was a good idea.

Receiving a diagnosis was scary but explained my symptoms

When I arrived at the emergency room, the doctors assessed me and I was finally admitted.

At the hospital I was immediately diagnosed bipolar I, a mental illness that causes episodes of depression and mania. Manic episodes usually involve an abnormally elevated mood, which can cause people to do things they normally wouldn’t even do that are dangerous. This explained my actions over the previous four months.

Although the diagnosis was scary, it was comforting to finally have a name for what I was experiencing, as well as hope for treatment. My doctor prescribed an antipsychotic medication called olanzapine, which helped at first. I was in the hospital for about a week, and at that point the doctor decided I was stable enough to go home. It felt so good to sleep again and feel more like myself.

Music helps me channel my emotions when I can’t find the words

Of course, medications and therapy are the cornerstones of my treatment plan. But I also found other ways to cope, including playing and writing my own music.

It’s not always easy to open up to people about what I’m going through or find the words to explain what I’m feeling. Music is a way for me to express myself. I don’t need to tell anyone directly about my experiences; instead, I can just write a song. This has been helpful for me in adjusting to bipolar life.

With bipolar disorder, it is very important to stick to a predictable schedule. Writing and playing music every day creates a routine for me that I believe helps keep me steady. I try to play guitar every morning after I wake up and feel a little anxious if I can’t play.

The right medication helped me get my life back on track

Like most people with bipolar disorder, I’ve had some ups and downs since my diagnosis. I was hospitalized again in March 2022, but have been stable since. It took me a while to find the right medication for me due to unwanted side effects. In total, I’ve tried six medications, and I’m now taking one called Lybalvi, which seems to be helping.

My mother says I’m like myself again, partly because of my music. When I was diagnosed, I was teaching music lessons for six hours every evening. After my diagnosis, I had to stop working until I was stable. Now I’m getting back to teaching, which feels good. I’m not full time, but I’m making progress.

I also continued to create my own music. I’ve recently recorded several indie pop songs and plan to release an album soon. I have also sung with other musicians and hope to perform my original music when I can.

My mental health journey has been difficult, but I am very grateful for the medical care I received and how music provided me with a support system. When everything seems so intense, it gives me so much comfort to be able to express my emotions and do something that feels familiar.